it is finished

I know it's a few days after Christmas, but I'd like to finish the sixteen days of Christmas with a final love note from God.

On the first day of Christmas, my true love said to me, "it is finished."

Isn't that what it all leads up to? The creation of the heavens, of earth, the fall of man, the chosen people of Israel, the prophets who prepared the way, and the birth of a king... it all leads up to that final moment when Christ on the cross said "it is finished." The sacrifice has been done. We have been given the key to the kingdom of heaven, and can now freely enter into a beautiful relationship with our Creator. "It is finished" marked the beginning of the end: our long-awaited engagement period before Jesus comes back to take his bride to her new home. "It is finished" were the sweet, whispered words of redemption, my undeserved favor paid for by innocent blood. For a perfect, holy God to become human just so he could show me how high, how wide, and how deep is his love - I cannot ask for a better Christmas gift than that.

john 19:30

i am

On the seventh day of Christmas my true love said to me, "I AM."

I AM constant 

I AM near

I AM peace that shatters all your secret fears

I AM holy

I AM wise

I AM the only one who knows your heart's desires...

"i am" - jill phillips

come to me

On the eighth day of Christmas, my true love said to me "come to me."

Sometimes that's all I need. To stop thinking, worrying, analzying, planning, deciphering, discerning, deciding, trying...  to just drop everything and spend a few quiet moments in peace with God. To lay and rest in his arms, in the truth that he is good, loving, strong, and everlasting. That he loves me more than I will ever be able to figure out. God, how high and deep and wide is your love? 

"Are you tired? Worn out? Burned out on religion? Come to me. Get away with me and you'll recover your life. I'll show you how to take a real rest. Walk with me and work with me—watch how I do it. Learn the unforced rhythms of grace. I won't lay anything heavy or ill-fitting on you. Keep company with me and you'll learn to live freely and lightly."    The Message - Matthew 11:28 

do not be afraid

On the ninth day of Christmas, my true love said to me, "do not be afraid."
I will be heading off to seminary in about six months. This has been my far-off goal since I was in highschool, and it is really exciting to finally be seeing that goal in the near future. I've imagined myself there in so many different scenarios, meeting cool people, growing closer to God, become the equipped and educated servant I want to be. I try to imagine a whole new town, new school, new friends, new apartment. It's incredibly exciting. And also incredibly terrifying.

So far, I know this is the path God has put me on. I'm pretty sure he wants me to go to seminary. I don't think he cares which one, but I tried to be a good steward of the money I'll be borrowing when I was choosing. But I'm scared to leave this place.

But before I let that start to eat at my core, I remember that I've forgotten some important words, again. "Do not be afraid." God loves to give good things to those who love him. I've been praying, so I know he's going ahead of me and preparing my new place. I can completely depend on him to take care of me, because he's brought me to this point and he will continue to walk me through. So whatever his plans, wherever I go, I know that if my heart is intent on serving him I have absolutely nothing to fear!

For I am the Lord, your God, who takes hold of your right hand and says to you, Do not fear; I will help you. (Isaiah 41:13)
For God gave us not a spirit of fearfulness; but of power and of love and of a sound mind. (2 Timothy 1:7)
The Lord is my light and my salvation--whom shall I fear? The Lord is the stronghold of my life--of whom shall I be afraid? (Psalm 27:1)

apart from me, you can do nothing

I am at home for Christmas break, and in the process of packing, moving stuff, and hanging with the family, I forgot four days of Christmas. But tonight you are in luck!

On the tenth day of Christmas, my true love said to me, "apart from me, you can do nothing."

Sometimes this verse is hard to swallow. Jesus says he is the vine, and we are the branches, and if we abide in him and he in us, we will bear "much fruit." Except without him, we can't do anything. I hear myself thinking, that doesn't make sense, because we seem to do a lot of things without him every day. But Jesus is talking about bearing fruit - which can encompass a whole lot of things, including the fruits of the spirit (love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, and self-control). When I look at those, I realize, there is no way I can create those things on my own. Even if I think I can, they would only last for a second. If I tried to "bear fruit" on my own, every minute of every day, I would give up after the first hour. 

Although it may not look like it, this is a love note from God. He is the vine that we connect to in order to receive life. If we were to break off from the vine, we would die. So apart from him, we cannot do anything. But this is the good news: abiding in him, and he in us, we can do everything. I will be able to be peaceful, joyful, patient and faithful no matter what comes along if I am connected to him. It's nothing of my own effort, but the holy spirit will enable us to do these things. How comforting, and releasing! I don't have to try as hard as I can anymore - because I will never be able to try hard enough. If we only ask, he will give it to us. Oh how sweet to trust in Jesus!

john 15:5

galatians 5:22-23

you are mine

On the fifteenth day of Christmas, my true love said to me, "you are mine."

For a long time after becoming a Christian, I still could not accept the fact that God loved me. I was sinful in a lot of ways, and I did and said a lot of stupid things that aren't pleasing to God. My freshman year of college, I read a book called "The Ragamuffin Gospel" by Brennan Manning. Two chapters into it, I was on the floor sobbing. At the time, I was unhappy, broken and hurting. Because of who I was, I didn't think God accepted me. And reading this book, it hit me: God loves me and accepts me because I am his. Nothing I do will ever make him stop loving me. God's love for me isn't based on my performance, it isn't based on how others see me or even how I see myself - he loves me deeply and purely because I am his. 

This epiphany transformed my relationship with God. It brought it on a deeper, more personal level. And even though Satan still tries to convince me every now and then that I need to work to earn God's love, I can sit and rest in the beautiful fact that I am God's, and nothing, nothing, will ever take me away from him.

i'm coming back

Typically, people count down the twelve days of Christmas. With all the lords-a-leaping, and everything, and all its hidden meanings about the Bible. But today, I'm starting a sixteen days of Christmas. Yes! Even more fun-filled days of Christmas. I want to celebrate Jesus every day until Christmas because it's so much more than a "candle lighting ceremony" at church. I'm doing this because for me, I get caught up in "Christmas" and I want Christmas this year to be a little more devoted. 

On the sixteenth day of Christmas, my true love said to me "I'm coming back." 

When Jesus died and came back to life and hung out with everyone, he told them he was going to go prepare a place. He said there's lots of rooms in his father's house, and he was going to fix it all up and come back for us. The little bit I know about God is that he never breaks a promise - and his son probably won't either. When he says he is coming back, he means it. I am so excited about this!! In fact, it gives me a joy that comes from nothing else except him - I can't create this joy myself. I know exactly what I'm going to do when he comes back: run into his arms and say "thank you thank you thank you... thank you for finding me." 

 

minute rice sounds good

I've begun to notice that everything good is a result of a slow process. The eternity it takes to finally make that first kiss  - what a good thing, and a slow process. Taking five years to get a college degree (ok, four, for you geniuses) is a good thing, slow process. Taking four months to finally lose ten pounds (for good) - once again, good thing, slow process.  I think I've become used to everything happening in an instant: fast cash, fast food, fast entertainment with the click of a button, studying last minute, expecting instant results as quickly as my minute rice cooks in the microwave. And even though I know everything good is usually a slow process, I get offended when things don't instantly happen. I realize the fault of this most often with God. Isn't he listening? Hasn't he heard me pray without ceasing? Doesn't he know the desires of my heart? Won't he just make things happen the way I want them to because he loves me? 

It took me a long time (hey, another slow process) to understand that God's time isn't my time, and usually God's time is a long time. This process I've been working out with him, this slow, rich, beautiful and mysterious relationship is a good, good thing. And I know that God is a good king. Which took me a while to realize... so if I undoubtedly trust that God is good, then I must know that the slow processes I am in now are going to be really good. It's like God wants me to realize that patience is a part of his love, and I'm going to have to really know that. If we got everything we wanted in a flash, where would we develop trust, dependence, and love? 

So, I'm trusting him - that he's good, that he's strong, and that he loves me. I know that patience, which is so out of style right now, is a big part of what his kingdom looks like. I'm thankful to be a part of that... and I know I won't be disappointed.

sweet and sour

Blogging is so strange. I mean, who reads these things? Honestly this is more for myself than anything, to have some place I can write out my thoughts about God and love and all those good things. Thinking about readers makes me kind of nervous. Like I need to proofread a million times, or just start over. You know, "you are your biggest critic." Starting this blog was something that's been on my to-do list for a while, and then I remembered all my failed blogging attempts throughout my life, including "livejournal" and "xanga" and other obscure sites. I guess it was the trendy thing to do in high school, to post about all the "hardships" you go through as a teenager with a good family, good friends, a great school, and everything you ever needed. Thank God high school is over, and thank God those "journal entries" are lost in cyberspace. So I think this time around my blogging experience will be a refreshing one. However, I'd like to pay homage to my previous blog by copy-pasting the last xanga entry. Because I like it. And I'd like my blog to be filled with things I like. So until the next night I'm up at 12:46 AM and have some creative writing spark, here's to grapefruit.

February 26, 2007

Eating grapefruit always reminds me of my dead grandmother. Not the fact that she is dead, but because she probably ate grapefruit every morning of her life. And every morning for two weeks, every summer of my life, I ate grapefruit. It definitely was not my favorite thing, but I ate it anyway because you could never say no to my 90-something year old grandma with that sweet voice. Almost five years later, I find myself with a passion for grapefruit. Today I spent about 10 minutes of my afternoon cutting the grapefruit, each individual triangle piece, and digging it out with a spoon and then drinking the juice. While I was enjoying this obnoxious amount of effort and time spent on a fruit, I got this desire in my head to tell my grandma how much I liked grapefruit. I wanted to thank her for the 10 minutes she spent every morning cutting up a grapefruit for my brother and I. I wanted to ask her if she could send me one of those special grapefruit spoons. I'm wanting all this, while I know fully well that she is gone and has been for a while, and then I start thinking about death, and how inconvenient it is. I mean, of course it is utterly painful and lonely and lifeless to deal with the death of someone you love, but when that passes, it's just so inconvenient. I want to hear all of my grandpa's submarine stories and hear about what my mom was like when she was a little girl, but I can't, and I'll never know any of that from his perspective. I want to tell my grandpa I'm growing tomatoes because he is probably the only person I know who would be excited about that. I want at least one of my grandparents to be at my wedding. This won't happen, and it's not worth crying over, but it is so inconvenient. 
So while this has taken a slightly selfish and disappointing turn, I then started thinking about how short life is. We are just dust, that is blown into for life, and then we crumble. And it happens so fast. We're here, and we're not. I can't help but think about what the heck I'm doing while God has given me this one chance at life on earth. After that it's eternal, but you get this one, set apart time to be apart of God's huge mystery. I know people say try to "live life to the fullest." I know it doesn't mean to succeed financially, I don't think it means to run around in a meadow every day of your life, although I might, if I had one next to my apartment, and it doesn't mean to stay incredibly busy all the time so you don't miss anything. So I realize that the fact that I just spent 10 minutes cutting a grapefruit was perfect. It was perfectly spent time. Sitting on my balcony for a while, staring at the swamp I live next to and talking to God is perfectly spent time. Reflecting on the fact that God gave us this day to enjoy - that is perfect.

bring your sweater

Every time I read this verse, my imagination runs wild:

"And they heard the sound of the Lord God walking in the garden in the cool of the day..."

I picture myself walking along beside him, jogging at times to keep up, as he calmly strolls through the beauty he's created. I am asking him a million questions- most importantly, what is he thinking about? The God of the universe, my God, who created everything, is just walking in a garden. It's lovely to me that God is enjoying the temperature and a stroll. I get most excited about the thought of me sharing this with him, without a care in the world. 

I recently realized I get to do this now, and my walks with God are often so sweet that I can't contain them just inside my heart. I'd love to share my fascination, joy, honesty, and love, and I'm hoping this will be a great outlet to do that. So excuse my run-on sentences, jumbled words and abstract thoughts - hopefully you'll be encouraged by our amazing God.